


Holding on

by KawaiiKoala34



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:41:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7836022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KawaiiKoala34/pseuds/KawaiiKoala34
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 9 era Dean and dealing with Ezekiel</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding on

**Author's Note:**

> To gabester-tricks <3
> 
> this is not betaed so any mistakes are my own and I hope you enjoy! (If not I apologize)

He thought it would be easy; easy to hold on to the ones he loved and cared about--easy to only let go if the other one let go first. 

Dad let go as soon as his mom died, lost to grief and heartache so huge, only alcohol and revenge could take its place.

But Dean had Bobby, who held on to him and never let go. Even after death took its due, Bobby was still there like a tickle in the back of your mind of that time you can't quite remember but always gives you a feeling of contentment regardless. 

Missouri let go, lost to the passage of a hunters lifestyle. The Winchester's, even when they are known by such a surname, are never easy to maintain relationships with. 

Benny, and Ellen and Jo, and Pamela, on the other hand, held on as long as they could, but long isn't forever and now he has another set of tombstones to rest in a graveyard of found family. An untimely demise that turned into a rift inside if Dean, a broken record where he's stuck continually grasping for a connection only to be reminded that there's nothing left to hold. it's a pain Dean doesn't think he'll ever be able to let go of. 

Sam seems to have let go of Dean inch by inch, only to come rearing back in with a vengeance whenever real danger arrives. A paradoxical pendulum swing that only moves out of sheer otherworldly force and strange determination, as if Sam and Dean only keep each from dying every other day just so they can punch the other In the face themselves. 

Theirs is a grip so tight and yet so loose at the same time that each second a nail squeezes in to a bicep of a brother an inch past arm lengths away, until skin breaks and blood comes pouring out in a satisfactory yet horrifying flow. A mix of love and not-quite-hate that's been going on for so long Dean's not sure if it can ever be righted.

Standing here staring at Sam--no--Ezekiel's face being told that Castiel cannot stay, that Dean has to kick him out. Well. Dean doesn't know what to think. What to do. Dean thought it'd be easy to hold on to the ones you love as long as they want to hold on to you right back. But it turns out it's not that simple and he may not be worth staying for, but maybe he should give a little more credit to how fucked up the world is to begin with. After all, while it seems all him and Cas are good at doing is letting go, they also always seem to come back to each other (maybe a little more broken, a little more hard, but still together.) 

So. To say he knew as soon as Ezekiel opened his mother fucking mouth who out of the few family he had left he would he would choose, Is ludicrous; for how does one decide between the brother you think you might literally need to breathe and the only person in the whole world who can't seem to ever really let you go? But then again, maybe it's less letting go and more of a see you Later. 

Later, when Sam isn't dying. Where Dean can show Cas what family means when they aren't saving each other or the world.

Later, when maybe both of them are a little more broken and a little more rough. Where Dean can finally teach Cas how to drive. Where Cas can't fly off to who the fuck knows and leave Dean feeling as if he's left alone again and again and again. 

Later, when Dean can grow some actual courage and give Cas more then one hug every other near death experience. Where Dean can brush against Cas and feel his very human warmth, his physical proximity. Where Dean can know he's staying because he wants to, not because of some fucked up world order. 

Later, when Dean's a little tired and maybe a little drunk with Cas by his side (who may or may not also be drunk for the first time in his existence). Where Dean can say, "I need you," in every connotation possible and mean it with every fiber of his being because finally, Dean can admit what has long been forced into repression. 

Later, when Sam and the world will be safe; when Dean can be comfortable in his own skin to finally accept that not only might he want Cas in a non platonic way but that maybe Cas might want him in the same way and it's ok. Where his hand can touch Cas' hand, and it'll be enough. Where Dean can smile, and Cas can stare into Dean's soul and it'll be enough. Where Dean can cook him breakfast and witness his (most likely) grumpy morning face and it'll be enough (because they're together). 

So. Dean thought he'd never willing  
let go of someone that he loved. But Dean never thought that that someone would be an angel either so maybe people are supposed to let go in order to grab them right back.


End file.
